BIO
Katalina Rodriguez is an attorney, musician, poet, curator, community advocate and co-founder of ELKAT Productions. She brainstormed and co-produced the “Smokin’ Word” LP, a charitable album, by world fusion band “Machete Movement”, of which she co-directed. She was a featured artist in the Full Circle Ensemble’s sold out theater production, “From the Page to the Stage” and “Misconceptions”. She co-curated a monthly open mic in the Bronx called, “Smokin Word Open Mic Series”. Currently, she resides in her hometown Chicago with her husband and son.
I need to shed
your expectations
away from my flesh;
out of mind.
So easy
to see yourself in me.
Our eyes
held by the same almond shape.
Pools of deep brown,
reminiscent of our ancestor’s,
looking out from pyramid walls.
They called me
“Hija de la Prieta.”
The one who stood out in a crowd.
Not for your stature,
but for the incredible beauty
you exuded,
or so the story goes.
You shared your
life’s expectations with me.
Burdened me with the task
of living out every dream,
accomplishing every goal,
set out in your mind.
All deferred for my future.
You remind me at every turn.
Desde niña,
you taught me
how important
my appearance was.
Being sub-par, too gordita,
didn’t deserve your full love
and attention.
Nor, could I wear
those beautiful dresses,
tulle lined with satin
that were made
to carry wind,
where dancing,
skipping and running
all looked like acts performed
on a bouncing cloud.
“They will laugh at you”
you said.
I always wondered
if you would laugh too.
Feign ownership of me,
because I was a far cry from you.
So,
what am I to do now
with all the hurtful memories
of your stinging hand
on face and backside.
Your anger and frustrations
taken out on me,
because I was not
who you wanted me
to be?
Your comparisons
to your own vanity
made me wish I was a boy.
My brother never got beat
for his size.
Constant humiliation
drove me to take
those magic pills
meant to cure me
of my self- hatred.
Most importantly,
they would silence your voice;
the voice that
lived always in my head.
How quickly
our world turned upside down
as the pounds melted off.
My worth
grew heavy in your eyes.
I was now worthy
of your public affection.
You quickly spoke
of our affiliation
when strangers would notice
the beauty I “became.”
However,
something was wrong
with my dosage.
The pill’s affects
must not have fully kicked in.
I still hated myself.
If possible,
I hated you more
for proving me right.
That you’d only show me love
if I was a smaller size.
What was it
that made you hate me so much?
Were your beauty queen stories
even true,
or did I really
remind you…
of you?