Julia Malinow
There is the family. Mother, Father, Jane, and Sally. Mother waits at home with dinner. Jane and Sally walk from school. They do their homework, do their chores, play with the dog, set the table, and wait for Father. Father comes home from work. The dog barks. Mother smiles. Jane and Sally hug Father. The family eats. The family talks. The family looks. The family lives. There is the family: Mother, Father, Sally, and Jane.
There is the family. Mother, Father, Julia, and Nina. Mother is in the office waiting to leave. Julia and Nina walk from school. They do their homework, do their chores, watch TV, and eat their dinner. Father comes home from work. Mother comes home from work. Julia and Nina hug their parents. Father eats. Julia talks. Nina looks. Mother lives. What family? Mother, Father, Julia, and Nina . . .
Julia wants to be Jane. Julia has always wanted to be Jane. To have thick, combed hair pinned up in braids, and large green eyes with long eyelashes. She wanted to wear pink dresses and princess shoes. She wanted to have a dog, a golden retriever. Julia has a sister whom she ignores. Julia has a Father whom she adores. Julia has a Mother whom she loves. Julia has a family that to her exists, and it is perfect. She defines perfection as stability. She has a routine, a schedule to follow. She has everything: she sees her parents, she attends school, she has a TV and toys and books to read. She has everything. Years and years would pass and she would know that everything was great to make up for the lack of love her parents had.
Father cheated on Mother, Mother felt depressed. Mother didn’t eat dinner, Mother got skinny. Julia saw Father once a week, Nina didn’t want to see Father. Years and years passed, and still no one gathered to eat dinner at the table.
Julia wants to be Jane. Julia has always wanted to be Jane. To have a luminous, cherry-flavored smile, and little freckles around her cheeks. She wanted to see Father after work, and have Mother teach her to cook. In Julia’s family, big questions were given a small answer.
Want to get married?
Sure.
Want to get divorced?
It’s for the best.
Mother married Husband. Father married Wife. Julia and Nina went to live with Mother. One day her childhood house was sold. Then her Father’s apartment was sold. Then her Mother’s apartment was sold. And one day she moved even further.
Want to move countries?
I can’t stand living here anymore.
Julia wants to be Jane. Julia has always wanted to be Jane. She wanted to hug Father when he came from work. She wanted to show him her homework, to watch TV with him. Jane talked to her Father, and Father always smiled. Julia talked to her Father, and Father always smiled. He even smiled with tears in his eyes the day she left him. She waved goodbye through the car window to the airport and didn’t see Father for six months. Then one year which quickly turned into two. Julia saw Father on summer and winter vacation. Julia talked to Father on the phone. They talked and talked. Still the days turned into weeks, and the weeks into months, and twelve months into four years. Julia barely saw Father.
Julia wants to be Jane. Julia has always wanted to be Jane. Jane saw Mother cook and clean, and kiss Father when he came from work. Jane liked Mother. Julia also liked Mother, even more she loved her. Mother loved Julia and Nina. Mother loved Husband. So much love given and so much love to give. Mother, Husband, Julia, and Nina. A family living in the other end of the world. To Julia things had stopped working a long time ago, and family no longer meant what she thought. A family did not exist, and nor did perfection. She had a parent, she attended school, she had a home, and so much love. Jane knew what love meant. Jane saw love. Jane saw Mother and Father. Julia couldn’t see love, and therefore couldn’t believe it existed. Love had started to disappear in her mouth like candy. At first so sweet, but then the candy turned into nothing. It disappeared. It left her mouth with a bitter taste.
Julia wants to live. Julia has always wanted to live. As time went by, living became an obligation. Breathing became a conscious action. Looking, a painful act. Julia always wanted Father to care for her. Mother to think about her. Sister to cherish her. Julia just wanted to belong to a family that existed. To sit at a dinner table like Jane. To do her homework and chores like Jane. To hug and kiss like Jane. To smile with her flavored lips and look with her bright eyes. Julia’s smile only tasted of chapped, dry lips. Julia's eyes didn’t even dare to look at her own reflection in the mirror.
Julia wanted to talk like Jane. Julia wanted to look like Jane. Julia wanted to live like Jane.
Julia just wanted to be Jane.